Happy Holidays! Riding The Rails

Finally it was time to leave both Brandy and the Big Apple and head back up into Canada again. We'd decided to mix it up a bit and take the train to get there. Johnny had been looking forward to this train journey since Andy had first made him aware of The Adirondack; New York to Montréal in ten hours, undoubtedly passing through stunning forested scenes, frosted with snow. Andy's Amtrak catalogue reinforced the picture of scenic, 1950's golden-era elegance, with glossy pictures of Vista-Dome observation cars, uniformed porters and small pockets of well-heeled retirees enjoying their SKI* funds.

The reality, of course, was very different. Despite its noble history as a unifier of a vast nation, American train travel has unfortunately been relegated to, at-best, a third-class mode of travel behind the automobile and the aeroplane.

The dismal experience began at Penn Station, a subterranean maze of dingy, claustrophobic corridors populated by shambling hordes of drunks, the homeless, and the insane. And the occasional horrified European, accustomed to the airy, clean, businesslike style of modern terminals like St. Pancras or the Gare de l'Est. We had arrived with plenty of time to spare - our train hadn't yet been allocated a platform - so we spent a couple of minutes obtaining bagel and coffee supplies. Unfortunately, during that time, the platform was announced, and a truly epic queue had formed at the escalator leading down to the platform.

After a shambolic documentation-check (America still struggles with international formalities, despite sharing the world's longest peaceful border with Canada) we boarded the train, and quickly forgot any notions we'd had about Vista-Dome, Electro-Glide style. The train was clearly insufficiently long for the number of passengers, and the carriage's internal styling was a mixture of the forced intimacy of a Greyhound bus and the porthole windows of an aircraft, reminding all passengers of their exact position in the American travel pecking-order.

Seats on board were in short supply and none could be reserved in advance, resulting in jockeying for position which as unassertive non-Americans, we had no chance of competing with. So the two of us ended up sitting in line-astern, hoping that one of our neighbours would get off at the next stop - they never did.

As an aside which illustrates the blackness of Johnny's mood, here's an excerpt from his original set of blog notes written during the journey:

Hypothetical time: You have a gun with one bullet; which fellow traveller do you shoot, the snoring old lady next door or the eye-wateringly smelly guy in the seat in front?
I'd take the snoring old bat - it'd shut her up, and if the stinky guy was dead he'd only start getting smellier. Hypothetically of course...

The train clattered on through some pretty nice scenery, it must be admitted, but none of our photos really turned out because the windows of the train were so dirty. Pretty symbolic of the whole experience really. America's railways could be, and should be, great. Instead they have been allowed to rot away - what a horrendous waste.

*Spending Kids' Inheritance

Happy Holidays! A New York Christmas

We've all seen the movies. There's no doubt about it. New York City does Christmas very well. Everywhere you look there are decorations, lights, dazzling Christmas trees, busy ice skating rinks and people wishing you "Happy Holidays!" And snow! Yes, we finally experienced our first white Christmas. Okay, so it didn't actually snow on Christmas Day... but there was still an abundance of the white stuff in the streets and particularly in Central Park. Talk about a Winter Wonderland:

We met up with Brandy and took in some sights. Having already visited New York before, we were content mainly to wander and absorb the festive spirit. Here's the spectacular tree overlooking skaters at the Rockefeller Center; Bec and Brandy outside the restaurant where we gorged ourselves splendidly on Christmas Day; and an adorable Christmas market in Bryant Square.


One experience we did have our hearts set on was ice skating in Central Park. Despite the inevitable crowds on a clear afternoon, on Christmas Day itself no less and with carols playing in the background, it could not have been more perfect.

Los Angeles

Hmmm. The less we say about Los Angeles the better. So here are some pictures of the best of it, with the shortest possible comments we can manage:

Day 1: Disneyland®. Here's Bec in front of the (surprisingly tiny) Sleeping Beauty Castle™:


Space Mountain™ is probably the coolest thing in Disneyland®, which means it's probably one of the best things in L.A. When a dated 80's ride which mostly takes place in pitch darkness is considerably more enjoyable than an entire city, that city needs to take a good hard look at itself...


Teacups™. Fun.



The Big Parade™. More teacups™:



Day 2: Universal Studios®. Spidey™ tries to activate Bec's WebShooter™, forgetting that neither of them actually has one:



Getting some ogre-love from Shrek™. (He's the one in the middle):



Day 3: A grind through various unsightly, overcrowded freeways, peering at smog-encrusted, distant "sights" of dubious interest. Oops, sorry, a guided tour of Los Angeles.

Bec discovers Johnny Depp's excitingly-large hand prints at Grauman's® Chinese Theatre™:



Bec discovers Hollywood™'s disappointingly-small letters are extremely hard to get close to:

Viva Las Vegas - Part 2

Returning back to Las Vegas, we checked into The Stratosphere, a Hotel/Casino complex at the absolute northernmost point on The Strip. Compared with Mandalay Bay (which is the southernmost hotel), things were decidedly lower-rent, so we didn't hang around long before heading southwards to wage an assault on previously-unexplored casinos. Bec had picked up a "free gaming" voucher for one of them, so we made our way past the Bellagio Fountains (good):


... and the strip-show touts (bad) to the Monte Carlo, a fairly middle-of-the-road place. But that was the scene of our Great Gambling Turnaround, as we converted our ten virtual dollars into twenty real ones. Johnny became obsessed with the "free money" potential of the various "Club Membership" schemes offered by the casinos - almost all of them offer a similar voucher upon joining - and converted ten virtual Monte Carlo dollars into real ones, before we headed back out to some of the most exorbitant places on The Strip.

The rest of the evening is a bit of a blur now, as the free drinks took hold and the gambling euphoria escalated. We had dinner in Paris, where we were amused by the waitress asking if we'd like to be seated "inside or out?":


We also took in the amazing Venetian, entering via the completely unnecessary travelator through a replica of the Rialto bridge. There on the second floor (yes, the second floor!) is an indoor canal with gondoliers, bridges, Venetian architecture and the same amazing sky painted on the ceiling as we'd seen in Paris:


Of course, no trip to Vegas is complete without a visit to Caesar's Palace, arguably the hotel/casino that started the opulence arms-race which is driving all the hotels to ever-greater levels of lunacy:


After also passing through the Sahara (where Johnny is now also a member!), we finished the night back at the Strat, where the (very cheap) Pontoon table was very kind to us, guaranteeing that we would leave Las Vegas in almost the same financial position as when we had arrived. But with considerably more toxins in our livers...

A Grand Canyon

OK - back to America now!

After a couple of Vegas nights we fled the bright lights and crossed the Hoover Dam - our destination, The Grand Canyon. While it is possible to get from Las Vegas to the West Rim of the canyon in about 2-3 hours, we were headed for the South Rim, which is more like six.


We were booked in for a helicopter flyover of the canyon, which was possibly not the best way to get our first look at it. While it's undoubtedly very impressive when you fly low over the trees at the edge and then suddenly everything drops away, it's extremely difficult to retain a sense of scale when you're a mile above the floor of the big ditch. The commentary tells you you're flying over the mighty Colorado River, which is over 125m wide - but because it's carved such a huge groove for itself, and the chopper isn't allowed to swoop down into the valley, it looks like just another average-sized muddy river. It was cool to be able to look down at the oldest exposed stones on Earth however. I know - older than Mick and Keef!


Later that evening we went back to the park and looked at the canyon the old-fashioned way. We were very surprised that in the land of the lawsuit, you're completely free to wander up to, and indeed over, the edge of the canyon. This was extremely cool, and made the enormity of it much more real. As the sun set and the shadows played over the rock faces, Bec went on a photo rampage, very nearly melting our memory card with the workload.



Not content with sunset studies, the next morning Bec forced me to we got up at 5.30am to catch the sunrise over the canyon. Unfortunately some low cloud meant the morning sun never got a really good crack at the canyon - but it was certainly great to experience the transition in such a beautiful setting.


And with that, we hopped back in the convertible and set sail back to Vegas. Yep, we were heading back for more...

Viva Las Vegas - Part 1

What an amazing place. Rising out of the desert like a neon-lit oasis, Las Vegas was a place we'd been alternately dreading and dying to see. Would it be the ultra-tacky, fake Elvis-infested dive of Johnny's nightmares or the breathtakingly opulent backdrop of Bec's jackpot-winning dreams? Well it turns out that while it is undoubtedly a unique and hilarious vacation destination, almost every silver lining has an associated cloud...

As we arrived on the Vegas Strip the top came down and we soaked in the atmosphere. Which unfortunately was mostly carbon monoxide. As opposed to the old Vegas (Fremont Street), The Strip is 8 lanes wide and pretty much heaves with traffic 24/7. Our introduction was also slightly spoilt by getting lost trying to find our way into the car park at the super-premium Mandalay Bay Hotel and Casino.


However things quickly turned around once we got to our room, undoubtedly the most luxurious we've ever been in, featuring a massive plasma TV, monster bathtub and mesmerising views up The Strip. But on the (obligatory for Vegas) flip-side, our extortionate room rate didn't include breakfast or wireless internet - something we'd virtually taken for granted, even in rooms costing a third as much!

We figured we should get to know our "local" first and as such spent the first evening entirely within the mega-complex of Mandalay Bay. But before we knew it, it was 11pm and almost all the restaurant options were shut! It also became apparent that the casino's apparent generosity (free drinks if you're gambling - or appear to be gambling!) does not extend to its numerous restaurants. Luckily we'd gone through the hunger barrier and really only needed a snack, so we ended up ordering an appetiser - Nachos to share. What came out would probably have fed an entire Mexican township:


We did our best, but about half of the nachos went back to the kitchen, no doubt to be scraped into the bin along with who-knows-how-many other tons of waste this place must produce daily. Quite a sobering thought. Our first impression of the gambling at Mandalay Bay was also that it was extremely expensive - it didn't seem to be possible to risk less than $15 at a time on any table game, which is too much for us high rollers. We made friends with an extremely-drunk Jamaican dude playing poker, who advised that Mandalay was definitely one of the premium-priced casino floors, and to try "a few doors up" for more affordable tables. But as it was already 3am we decided to call it a night. Where did the time go? We have no idea! Damn free drinks...

The next day we took our Caribbean friend's advice and ventured up the strip, through the impressive Egyptian-themed pyramid, Luxor:


and into the hilariously-tacky mock-medieval castle, Excalibur:


While undoubtedly dodgy, Excalibur did have some redeeming qualities, namely that we could gamble at $5 a pop, and also that they ran free poker lessons. Now we both know how to play Texas Hold'em, but had never played at a casino before, and poker rooms are very intimidating places at the best of times, so it was great to get some tips on the etiquette of playing in Vegas. Of course, at the conclusion of the lesson, there is an opportunity to turn your new-found skills into cash by playing your classmates, which we both agreed to try. Bec bombed out quite early but Johnny hung in for a while, experiencing the uniquely heart-pounding thrill of winning a poker hand, for real money, in Vegas, with a big bluff.

Braving Death Valley

Continuing South and East, we headed into possibly the hottest, driest desert on Earth - Death Valley. A huge contrast from the soaring beauty of Yosemite, Death Valley includes the lowest point in the Western Hemisphere - at 86 metres below sea level. It is surrounded by enormous mountains however, which creates an oven-like environment where superheated air gets trapped and ludicrous temperatures (above 50°C) are not unusual. It also gets less than 2mm of rain a year. Nasty.


Luckily for us, it only got to 95 degrees Fahrenheit (35°C) as we crossed the valley, but it's still pretty scarily hot when you have to turn off your Air Conditioning! Apparently the extra load that A/C places on the engine can cause it to overheat. Better you than it, out here:

Interlude: How to be an American Driver

By the end of our US trip we'd clocked up more than 2000 miles in our convertible, so we've seen a lot of how Americans conduct themselves on their roads. And it ain't pretty. Jarek and Evelyn have laid down some very choice words about the general principles over on their blog, but I think there's still room for more rules about how to fit in like a local:

• You're not a real American unless you're driving a "pickup". This should ideally be the size of a double-storey house, with a cab wide enough for 4 and a tray area that could carry an elephant. Note that you will never use any of that space though. It's just there for the look.
• Similarly, your ride should have been jacked-up an extra foot or so, and with the regular semi-reasonable tyres replaced with the ones from those trucks that work in quarries. This will make an excellent roaring noise as you progress down the carriageway, and may even hang out into the lanes on either side of you. Awesome.
  
• Your steed must be propelled by an "All-American" V8 or (ideally) the Ford Magnum V10 (did they name it after the gun, the ice-cream or Tom Selleck?). The engine capacity will be at least 5 litres, more likely 6.0 or 7.2 - necessary because your vehicle weighs two-and-a-half tons, has an automatic transmission from 1963 and has the aerodynamic qualities of Flinders Street Station.
• Because you're perched about 6 feet above the road, you needn't take any notice of the mere mortals inhabiting the lower levels of blacktop. You are king of the road, and your subjects can make way when you choose to move over. No indication or head-checking required.
• Likewise, road signs are present for the guidance of lesser road-users. Advice such as "Keep right unless passing", "Don't talk and drive" and "Speed Limit: 70" are only applicable to much less skillful drivers than your good self, who is able to flout all of the above and more, simultaneously.
• Your American road journey, no matter how short, is not complete unless you have performed the following manoeuvres:
• Used the size of your vehicle as a threat to smaller cars
• Used excessive speed as a weapon to insert a gap for yourself in traffic
• Turned onto the road right in front of another vehicle without looking (or caring)
• Ridden the horn or made an obscene gesture at a fellow driver
• Nearly killed a pedestrian

To be fair though, American roads themselves are so bad, you can see how some of the trouble started. Firstly, the road surfaces seem to be constructed of cement-coloured cheese, and thus are bumpy, pot-holed and ridged. This in turn leads to American cars operating with suspension tuned so soft that they rock like small boats in a breeze. Secondly, the road designers don't allow enough room for on-ramps, meaning you typically have to accelerate from 30 MPH to 55+ MPH in 50 metres or so - hence the need for stupidly-large engines. Thirdly, the designers (at least in built-up areas) like to put on- and off-ramps at every opportunity, meaning that the madly-accelerating traffic joining the freeway has to mingle excitingly with the madly-decelerating traffic trying to leave at the off-ramp just 100m down the road. This makes the rightmost 2 or 3 lanes a worrying place to linger, so everybody jumps in the leftmost "fast" lanes and goes very fast, making for more interesting merges with big speed differences.

Johnny has lots of new grey hairs after driving on American roads!

Yosemite Cram

After the hustle and bustle of San Francisco we were keen to hit the open road and see the "real" America, the way "real" Americans see it - the Road America, by car. We'd booked a Mustang convertible but with the usual rental car shenanigans we ended up with a Toyota Solara convertible - basically a soft-top Camry with droopy corners that somebody must think make it look "sporty". A pretty major let-down, but at least it was red.


After nipping down through Silicon Valley and seeing the lovely Carmel-by-the-Sea, we headed east - our destination, the legendary Yosemite National Park. Although we only had about half a day to see this magnificent park (people used to stay for weeks) we absolutely loved it.



We even took a tour with Ranger Greg and learnt about the art of Bear Management (or, as he kept reminding us: People Management). The rangers have been pitting their wits against the wily Black Bears for years - but every time they come up with a new ingenious "bear-proof" device, the persistence, intelligence and strength of the hungry animals comes out on top. The trouble is, when the bears get accustomed to the sugary rubbish most Americans feed on, they become reluctant to go back to berries and acorns...


We were slightly unlucky that the authorities had chosen this particular day to perform a controlled burn to prevent wildfires - thus making some of the views a bit hazy:


- but it was still a stunning place. As we departed Yosemite the sun was setting and the temperature dropped like a stone - but we braved the cold to get some snaps of the glacially-smoothed valleys at the eastern end of the park.

If You're Going To San Francisco...

...be sure to take a zillion photos there... Yes, after Chicago it was California, here we come! And our first stop was the trendy, laid-back San Francisco. Johnny had already been once before but for Bec, first impressions couldn't be better.

The tourist focus is mainly centered around Fisherman's Wharf and the Bay, so we naturally found ourselves there on the first morning and were rewarded with some amazing iconic sights:

Alcatraz Island, perfectly complemented by a passing flock of pelicans (the island was originally named for these birds, alcatraces being the Spanish word for pelican):

The Golden Gate Bridge in all its International Orange glory:


Following a strange honking sound around to Pier 39, we discovered its resident sea-lion colony which makes its home here for several months each year. The noise was incredible and they were so entertaining to watch, fighting each other for position on the wooden docks and then basking sleepily in the sunshine.

Our ride in an open-top bus across the Golden Gate was exhilarating, and very blowy! By then the trademark fog had drifted in to hang moodily around the bridge's towers.













We enjoyed riding the famous San Fran cable cars up and down the hilly streets:

And seeing how the beautiful old Victorian houses contrast with the nearby city skyscrapers (this particular row is called the Seven Sisters, one of which featured in the TV show Full House):

But the highlight of our stay was our visit to Alcatraz Island, otherwise known as The Rock. It has a fascinating history, best known for being the site of the most famous high security prison in the world, with notorious prisoners including Al Capone and The Birdman. The audio tour was awesome, with anecdotes from actual prisoners and guards to really give you a feel for what it was like.

Bec contemplating prison life:

View of San Francisco skyline from Alcatraz:

Expectations: 0, Chicago: 1

Chicago had appeared on our US itinerary almost by default - our first plan had been to go directly from Boston to Vancouver and then drive down the Pacific coast from there - but it very quickly became apparent that this would involve enormous amounts of driving for very little reward (apologies to Seattle and Portland!). So instead we decided to wedge Chicago in and then fly straight into San Francisco.

We had very few expectations regarding Chicago - beyond being the background to the car crashes of the Blues Brothers, the site of the Elevated railway from The Fugitive and the home of the Cubs we knew almost nothing about the place. We liked the Mayor's greeting on the posters at the airport - "We're Glad You're Here!"


It was certainly helped by having stunning weather to set off its waterside setting, but we really enjoyed taking an architectural tour on the river, pointing out the different styles and approaches to the skyscrapers that define the city. Johnny was also blown away at the amazing fact that the Chicago River now flows in the opposite direction to its natural course. Yes, in the early 20th century, Chicago undertook a bigger engineering task than creating the Panama Canal and fixed their drinking-water problems by making this highly-polluted river flow out of the lake rather than into it.


We both loved Millennium Park, a recently-created green space that joins the business district with the lakeside - Bec becoming particularly transfixed by the stunning sculpture Cloud Gate by Anish Kapoor, which perhaps inevitably is referred to as The Bean by Chicagoans:


We also enjoyed the lakeside areas, which have become so beach-like in places that we felt compelled to hire rollerblades!





We also were compelled to visit the observation deck of the John Hancock Center, Chicago's tallest building, which has a stunning view due to Chicago's air being reasonably clean and its ground being exceptionally flat.


After 3 days in Chicagoland, we were extremely impressed with the town. We're glad we came!